Listen here, lil n***a.
You’re sitting in your crusty gaming chair, blasting Billie Eilish’s whisper-simp anthems through your $5 Walmart earbuds, wondering why life feels like a soggy cereal bowl. Newsflash: it’s not the world’s fault you’re a sad sack of soy. It’s your garbage playlist. Let’s break down why your Spotify Wrapped looks like a cry for help—and how to unfuck your brain with actual music.
1. YOUR BRAIN IS A DJ BOOTH, AND YOU’RE PLAYING NICKELBACK
Science confirms what gymbros already know:
Music hacks your neurochemistry like a cheat code. Every time you bump tracks, you’re either flooding your brain with dopamine or drowning it in cortisol—the hormone normies chug with their pumpkin spice lattes .
- Workflow music vs. Sadboi ballads: Studies show “work flow” tracks (think instrumental beats with steady rhythm) boost processing speed and mood, while pop hits and emo garbage tank both. Yeah, that’s right—listening to Drake whine about his ex isn’t “deep,” it’s just frying your prefrontal cortex like a microwaved Hot Pocket.
- Gamma waves, bro: Ever heard of gamma oscillations? They’re brainwaves linked to focus and sensory integration. Research proves “gamma music” (fast tempo, rhythmic) can literally rewire your brain for peak performance . Meanwhile, your Lana Del Rey playlist is turning your hippocampus into a participation trophy.
2. GENRES MATTER. NO, “VIBES” AREN’T A PERSONALITY
Your ex’s Tumblr-era taste in The Smiths isn’t
qUiRkY—it’s a red flag for crippling neuroticism. Data doesn’t lie:
- Classical = Chad energy: Studies link classical music to better mental health outcomes, while genres like R&B correlate with higher depression rates . Mozart didn’t compose Eine kleine Nachtmusik so you could cry into your kombucha.
- ADHD? Blame your bass drops: ADHD-screened folks binge on hyperstimulating music (EDM, trap) during tasks, which just amplifies their distraction . Congrats, you’re basically mainlining chaos.
3. WHY “THERAPY” IS JUST A PLAYLIST AWAY
You’re out here paying $200/hour for a therapist to nod and "mhm" while you trauma-dump about your oneitis ignoring you. Meanwhile, music therapy is out here curing depression, boosting employability, and making people actually likable.
- Emotional resilience: An 8-week music therapy program showed participants leveled up their emotional resilience (translation: stopped crying during Titanic). They also got jobs, because employers don’t hire dudes who sob to Radiohead in the break room .
- Social credit score: Listening to sad music makes you more empathetic… which is code for “doormat.” Meanwhile, high-arousal tracks (metal, hypebeast rap) prime you for dominance. Sad songs = simping. Fight me. .
4. HOW TO FIX YOUR LIFE IN 3 PLAYLISTS
Stop being a NPC. Here’s your new protocol:
1. Gym grindset: Instrumental synthwave or drum & bass. Syncs with your heartbeat, turns reps into rage .
2. Work/deep focus: Minimalist electronic or classical. No lyrics—your ADHD doesn’t need more input .
3. Social lubricant: Upbeat hip-hop or rock. Studies show familiar, high-energy tracks make you seem less autistic at parties .
FINAL VERDICT: STOP BEING A VICTIM
Depression isn’t some mystical curse. Swap the sob stories for tracks that slap and make you feel good inside, then watch how your life no longer feels like you're being butt-fucked with a pinneapple.
Or you can just keep crying to The Perfect Girl Ultra Slowed + Reverb. Either way, Darwinism wins.
Drop your playlists in the comments. I’ll roast it for free.
SOURCES (FOR THE AUTISTS WHO "NEED" PROOF):
- pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov.
ADHD folks OD on bass.
Gamma waves = brain gains.
Workflow music = god tier focus.
- frontiersin.org
Classical > R&B for mental health.
Music therapy = job offers.
Sad music = simp fuel.
*Written by Chad Thundercock, PhD in Not Coping Like a Cuck*
You’re sitting in your crusty gaming chair, blasting Billie Eilish’s whisper-simp anthems through your $5 Walmart earbuds, wondering why life feels like a soggy cereal bowl. Newsflash: it’s not the world’s fault you’re a sad sack of soy. It’s your garbage playlist. Let’s break down why your Spotify Wrapped looks like a cry for help—and how to unfuck your brain with actual music.
1. YOUR BRAIN IS A DJ BOOTH, AND YOU’RE PLAYING NICKELBACK
Science confirms what gymbros already know:
Music hacks your neurochemistry like a cheat code. Every time you bump tracks, you’re either flooding your brain with dopamine or drowning it in cortisol—the hormone normies chug with their pumpkin spice lattes .
- Workflow music vs. Sadboi ballads: Studies show “work flow” tracks (think instrumental beats with steady rhythm) boost processing speed and mood, while pop hits and emo garbage tank both. Yeah, that’s right—listening to Drake whine about his ex isn’t “deep,” it’s just frying your prefrontal cortex like a microwaved Hot Pocket.
- Gamma waves, bro: Ever heard of gamma oscillations? They’re brainwaves linked to focus and sensory integration. Research proves “gamma music” (fast tempo, rhythmic) can literally rewire your brain for peak performance . Meanwhile, your Lana Del Rey playlist is turning your hippocampus into a participation trophy.
2. GENRES MATTER. NO, “VIBES” AREN’T A PERSONALITY
Your ex’s Tumblr-era taste in The Smiths isn’t
qUiRkY—it’s a red flag for crippling neuroticism. Data doesn’t lie:- Classical = Chad energy: Studies link classical music to better mental health outcomes, while genres like R&B correlate with higher depression rates . Mozart didn’t compose Eine kleine Nachtmusik so you could cry into your kombucha.
- ADHD? Blame your bass drops: ADHD-screened folks binge on hyperstimulating music (EDM, trap) during tasks, which just amplifies their distraction . Congrats, you’re basically mainlining chaos.
3. WHY “THERAPY” IS JUST A PLAYLIST AWAY
You’re out here paying $200/hour for a therapist to nod and "mhm" while you trauma-dump about your oneitis ignoring you. Meanwhile, music therapy is out here curing depression, boosting employability, and making people actually likable.
- Emotional resilience: An 8-week music therapy program showed participants leveled up their emotional resilience (translation: stopped crying during Titanic). They also got jobs, because employers don’t hire dudes who sob to Radiohead in the break room .
- Social credit score: Listening to sad music makes you more empathetic… which is code for “doormat.” Meanwhile, high-arousal tracks (metal, hypebeast rap) prime you for dominance. Sad songs = simping. Fight me. .
4. HOW TO FIX YOUR LIFE IN 3 PLAYLISTS
Stop being a NPC. Here’s your new protocol:
1. Gym grindset: Instrumental synthwave or drum & bass. Syncs with your heartbeat, turns reps into rage .
2. Work/deep focus: Minimalist electronic or classical. No lyrics—your ADHD doesn’t need more input .
3. Social lubricant: Upbeat hip-hop or rock. Studies show familiar, high-energy tracks make you seem less autistic at parties .
FINAL VERDICT: STOP BEING A VICTIM
Depression isn’t some mystical curse. Swap the sob stories for tracks that slap and make you feel good inside, then watch how your life no longer feels like you're being butt-fucked with a pinneapple.
Or you can just keep crying to The Perfect Girl Ultra Slowed + Reverb. Either way, Darwinism wins.
Drop your playlists in the comments. I’ll roast it for free.
SOURCES (FOR THE AUTISTS WHO "NEED" PROOF):
- pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov.
ADHD folks OD on bass.
Gamma waves = brain gains.
Workflow music = god tier focus.
- frontiersin.org
Classical > R&B for mental health.
Music therapy = job offers.
Sad music = simp fuel.
*Written by Chad Thundercock, PhD in Not Coping Like a Cuck*
